"Every path you take leads to the unknown."
The unknown is usually what our soul loves to search for. And soul searching is a process that never truly ends, like a road that leads you to a far away land, an unknown space, a distant and unfamiliar environment. Our soul has its own compass, if we listen to it intently, it usually brings us to places where we would fight against going. It takes us away from our comfort zone, and leads us to the center of our heart. Our soul is drawn towards the truth to dive into thresholds that we do not dare to cross. Soul does not like to be defined nor contained, it likes to feel, change, transform, connect, break, fall, sink, rise, absorb, twist and turn, jump, leap, mingle, isolate....it is not one, but all.
The kind of learning and growing one gets through traveling is beyond what you can learn from books. That is why there is wise Chinese proverb that says, "Traveling a thousand miles is better than reading a thousand books." There are things in this world that cannot be obtained from books or social media alone but from real life experiences. And these experiences open our eyes to the fact that every single thing or situation has many sides. Even a person has many facades that is hard for us to understand. But when we travel, we see things in a much deeper perspective, that life sometimes does not need to be confined or defined as such. The chains we put around our lives and ourselves can be overbearingly heavy, because not everything has to be done a certain way in order for us to feel safe.
From wanting to control every situation to loosening up my grip, traveling does open my eyes and helped with my healing journey. I learn to let go of the need to know what is next. And in between travels, I have experienced both extreme emotions, of desperation, loss, uncertainties, fear, doubts, emptiness, longings, loneliness, depression, insanity, chaos, and soul connections, warmth, regeneration, rebirth, awakening of spirit and most of all love. But through the breaking of my heart over and over and over again, I realize what life is trying to teach me: let go of the need to control.
Whatever will be, will be.
I start to realize, my addiction that almost took my life away is not alcohol, it is the need to control. Even after 7 years of sobriety, I didn't truly grasp what it was that I was addicted to. Alcohol was one way to help me cope with anxieties, depression, and numbing pain from past traumas. But I realized, alcoholic's biggest threat is the illusion of Control. And the reason behind it is because of uncontrollable situations that happened in the past that made me feel unsafe, which induced fear and anxieties. Even after I quit drinking, I felt the urge to be in control with my life. Especially moving to a new environment, where my comfort zone has been compromised, I felt frantic to grab hold of anything to rebuild my life so that I can feel safe again. My sense of insecurity kicked in and led me to believe that only chasing after whom I thought I was will ever make me feel safe again. But traveling, living in a new country, and meeting new soulful people slowly helped me to open my heart. I begin to see that, who I truly am is embedded within me since I was born. My role as a mother, as an artist, as an art therapist, as an art teacher are not random roles that I take up. They are all part of who I am. They are all roles that points me towards who I am that was made by God. Those gifts of being a nurturer, an encourager, a healer, a creator, someone who listens, loves, show compassion, hold spaces for people, shows kindness; I realize I am not becoming who I need to be, but unbecoming all the false negative controlling sense of self, into the true me.
I use to tell people all the time, that "What you need is already inside of you." Now this saying comes back to me like a boomerang. It hits me, right in the center of my heart, I am who I am no matter where I am or what I do. Because everything I need is already inside of myself.
I sometimes wonder, why did I moved to another country, even though my life seems to be altogether already, what is the need? I am slowly beginning to realize, that my soul has its own longing, and that is why I am led to where I am today. Healing is about peeling those unwanted layers after layers, breaking through all the barriers so that I can reach into my core. And healing is the most remarkable journey one can take if we are courageous to take up our own Soul Journey to find who we are again :)
Love & Peace to you all,
AMA