"Hold the hand of the child that lives in your soul. For this child, nothing is impossible." ~ Paulo Coelho
In my office/music studio area, I have 1 picture, and 1 picture only. It is framed inside a small yet delicate silver frame, with my most favorite picture of my childhood. Whenever I look at this picture, it brings back that joyful memory I had at age 8 or 9. It was taken by my mother, right after I played in the garden. I remember that moment distinctly, because it is my most happiest moment in my childhood.
I remember pretending I was riding a horse in the garden fields, picked up a fallen long dried up bean stalk as my discovery stick, galloping with my hooded jacket over my head mimicking long Rapunzal-like hair, acting as both the warrior as well as the princess, conquering an imagined garden-fantasy land. I could hardly catch my breath as I rolled on the grass and laid there for what seemed like forever. I watched the clouds go by, while singing to myself songs that I made up. I looked over my tiny shoulder and found beautiful wild flowers, picked it and inhaled so deeply that I almost swallow the tiny petals into my little nostrils.
This picture, this moment, is total bliss.
I have missed this little girl in this photo. So much.
Somehow over the years, and over the shadows and the dark tunnels, I have forgotten about her. And for a very long time, I neglected her, and left her in the garden.
It is not till I move to America, a completely foreign land that I start to remember her again. I moved a million miles away from Hong Kong, a place I called Home, where all my family and friends live. I felt like I was being taken away from everything that I was familiar with, everything that I know, everything that I was, to a foreign land where no one knows my name. It was when I felt the loneliest, and the most helpless. Yet, it is here, in this foreign land that I have discovered how much I have missed my inner child.
My loneliness triggered a lot of emotions within me, emotions that I was trying to run away from or unaware of when I was in Hong Kong. Being in an unfamiliar land, alone I was forced to face my negative emotions, shadows and childhood trauma upfront. I started developing anxiety symptoms, insomnia, nightmares; my fears and doubts crept up on me, manifesting into restlessness, the inability to focus, and become an emotional wreck. I felt so lost, as if I have lost my identity, my comfort zone, my home. I am stripped naked from the inside out, baring everything that I am and ever was. No where to hide, no one to run to, no identity to camouflage myself in.
With nothing to turned to externally, I turned inward. This HUGE move to a foreign land has sparked my personal journey into inner-child healing. It was as if my inner child has been praying for this moment, where I can finally hear her crying out for my attention, and where I can finally tend to her needs. I started paying attention to my body, my negative symptoms and trying to understand where are they coming from. I discovered that my insecurities and loneliness is my inner child telling me that she needed my comfort. My fears and doubts is her telling me that she wanted me to acknowledge and validate her worth. My restlessness and inability to focus is her trying to tell me that I need to take her hands, put her in my arms, and focus on loving her and rest within her. Every negative shadows that came up, is my inner child trying to reconnect with me, reminding me that I need to learn to deal with them instead of running away from them.
I delved once again through painting, creating music & journaling, as I discovered how much I have forgotten about my inner child. This happy, joyful, spontaneous, free-spirited inner child is still living inside of me, dying to come out and play, longing to be a part of my life. Through the process of unleashing my creative imagination, I have become more free and willing to take more risks as I venture out to nature. I meditate on being my inner child and see through her eyes. I asked myself, What would it be like if I start to see things as pure as she does? And there it is, the answer sitting right in front of me.
Nothing can be more natural & pure than nature. With the advantage of being surrounded by so much nature here, I magnetized towards it for inspirations. Slowly and surely, I start to let loose of my need to control, as I allowed the nature to speak to me. Like my child-self, I go back to that happy moment of mine, playing so freely in the garden, in nature.
This self-discovery and healing journey has led me to so much joy and relaxation in life. I am starting to see things very differently in life, through the eyes of my inner child, as if for the first time. With practice, my heart is once again filled with wonder and amusement in ordinary things in life. I see so much possibilities in life. I start to paint what I see and let the colors and paint flow. I start to play the piano and guitar while watching nature, absorbing and following its rhythm as I create notes after notes. My body enlightened, my senses revived, my soul nourished and awakened by the spirit of nature, and most of all, I once again revived the spirit that God has given to me since I was born.
The most beautiful thing is, I am aware that I can be my adult self, and at the same time embrace my inner child. I don't have to be one or the other, I can be both.
Inner child healing through the Expressive Arts is an essential way to rediscover yourself and to heal those childhood traumas and wounds. This unique journey cannot be done any better than using the Expressive Arts, because the arts, whether its music, dance, painting or movements, is every child's innate gift.
I hope this short article will inspire you to pay attention to the child living inside of you. And never forget that he or she will always be in there, just waiting for you to connect with them.
Much love & peace,
AMA