In life, there are usually 4 important questions that keep coming back to us.
They are:
1) Am I loved?
2) Am I appreciated?
3) Am I understood?
4) Am I forgiven?
These questions stem from our life experiences, from childhood to adulthood, we contemplate on whether we are worthy of love. Yet somehow, asking these questions will only point us to external comforts & gratifications instead of internal enlightenment. And in life, when we keep asking these questions externally, it will usually lead to disappointment, frustration, stagnation, and unhappiness.
When one asks whether they are loved, they will constantly want to be loved. And wanting to be loved comes in many different forms. You might find yourself focusing on your looks in order to feel accepted. Or the way you ask for constant attention, and to always be included in order not to feel left out. You might focus all your energy into your ambitions, hoping that by upgrading your prestige, people will notice you more. You might find yourself always thinking of what you can do or who you can hang out with in order to feel less lonely or unwanted. You might find it difficult to sit by yourself or doing something by yourself for more than an hour, fearing that silence will eventually reveal the fact that you feel unloved.
This all connects to whether or not you feel appreciated.
By wanting to be appreciated, you might find yourself doing things for return. Such as return of praises and attention in order to feel appreciated of your worth. If someone doesn't pay attention to you or respond to you, you may feel frustrated, unheard, or impatient that you don't seem to get the attention or appreciation you want. And when that happens, it may seem as if people do not understand you. And this may result in resentment towards others, holding grudges or judging others for their actions, and can also lead to arguments and fights with others. And when that happens, you may have regrets or choices you made in life that is seemingly unrepairable. You may start to wonder if you will ever be forgiven for those mistakes you made, and feel more and more worthless, hence the vicious cycle continues.
All of the above questions come back to the point of wanting to be loved. Yet sometimes it is the way we ask life's important questions that can help us understand ourselves from the inside out, and live life from a completely different perspective.
Instead of asking externally whether we are being loved, appreciated, understood, or forgiven. We can try to ask ourselves internally from within:
1) Am I loving?
2) Am I appreciating?
3) Am I understanding?
4) Am I forgiving?
The constant need to be loved is the result of lacking self-love. When you don't love yourself completely, is when you want someone else to love you to make you feel worthy. Thererfore, asking yourself whether you are loving is the first and most important question. This question leads not only to the way you love others, but yourself. Do you love yourself, truly? Do you take care of yourself? Your health? Your mind? Your spirituality?
And when you respond to the above questions carefully and attentively, you will realize that appreciation starts from yourself. You will learn to appreciate who you are. When we crave appreciation from others, is usually because we lack appreciation for ourselves. Instead of projecting our lack of self-appreciation by picking on others, and judging how others can improve and become better, we neglect that the work that needs to be done is with our own self first.
This all leads to the understanding of others. Self-appreciation creates a greater awareness of our understanding in humanity. We begin to understand that being human is fragile, vulnerable, and not at all perfect. We are all human after all, and that we all have our own limitations. Yet to understand someone does not require them to be perfect, because understanding is an act of love. And same goes to yourself. You have to learn to understand your own limitations, before learning to understand others too.
Hence, forgiveness won't be as difficult as it sounds like when we can learn to love, appreciate, and understand our true self. Because when we embrace who we are, by taking care of our needs, by learning to appreciate our life, and by understanding our self, we learn to forgive. We learn to forgive the mistakes, or choices we made. We learn to forgive those who may have hurt us. And most of all, we learn to forgive for hurting ourselves. We let go of the need to live our regrets, to beat ourselves up for not making the right choices when we were younger. We begin to see mistakes as stepping stones, as guidance to self-improvement and growth.
When we ask the wrong questions, everything comes to and end. That is why it all ends with past tense - e.g. am I being loved, appreciated, understood, and forgiven. Yet, when we ask the right questions, everything continues and keeps evolving, and that is why it all ends with present continuous tense - e.g. am I loving, appreciating, understanding, forgiving.
So the next time if you catch yourself asking whether you are being loved, appreciated, understood or forgiven, try to ask yourself differently instead, whether you are loving, appreciating, understanding and forgiving. Your heart will tell you a completely different answer, for it will reveal to you what you are searching for in your life.
Blessings and love,
AMA
xo